It’s difficult to make a bunch of cheese and double-salted butter taste bad, but dunking it in neon corn syrup probably accomplished it. I’m pretty sure Mountain Dew paid him to because he took the world’s tiniest bite, made a face like he just remembered a witch predicted this was how he would die, then said, “Mmmm, this is delicious.” Plus, he didn’t post another video for six weeks and it was his mother reading an essay called “Things I Wished I’d Done Before I Died of Diarrhea.” I watched someone on TikTok make this recipe. I’m sorry that food math is complicated, but I’m trying to figure out how likely this grilled cheese is to explode my heart. I’m not sure if that means one full stick, or is it referring to half a cup of butter which is one stick, and you actually need two full sticks of butter. Also, you need two half sticks of butter. The recipe calls for you to salt butter, a thing that is only milk fat and salt. That’s got to taste like a used nicotine gum sandwich, fucked for twenty minutes by two class five full roaming vapors. It doesn’t just look horrendous, though it’s also more difficult to make than a regular grilled cheese, and I guarantee you it tastes worse. It looks like the aftermath of Slimer and Lady Silmer’s date night. The color and ooziness of that cheese is so profoundly unsettling. ![]() “Your God is dead,” says MTN DEW ® GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH. The only effective way to ruin cheese, God’s only perfect creation. ![]() I know for a fact that the cookbook featured their recipe for Mountain Dew grilled cheese. These cookbooks now resell for around a hundred dollars, and I think the idea of resellers making that much money off their product pissed Mountain Dew off because they’ve been slowly leaking the recipes from the book on their website. In 2020, Mountain Dew celebrated COVID by releasing a limited run of cookbooks on their website that quickly sold out and are now pretty difficult to find thanks to their main audience, people who have lost their ability to taste, recently seeing a huge increase. I’m talking about the absolutely nightmare-inducing recipe section of their website. No, I’m not talking about the time they unwisely decided to try and let the internet name their latest flavor and ended up with top polled results like, Mountain Dew Hitler Did Nothing Wrong, Mountain Dew Gushing Granny, and Mountain Dew Sierra Mist. So, I’m going to tell you about the worst thing Mountain Dew has ever done. Meanwhile, I’m over here begging for a single sliver of Mountain Dew information like some sort of beverage spy, and suddenly they want to keep their Dewey secrets. I can’t get them to stop emailing me just to say hi, remind me that they exist, and ask for my money. Most websites are begging to send me emails. Gee, if only there were some kind of collection of Mountain Dew facts that I could have emailed to me weekly so I wouldn’t have to hunt them down on my own… some kind of… Dewsletter they could call it!Īnyway, Mountain Dew is my mortal enemy now. In late June, they reintroduced Mountain Dew Typhoon, which I wouldn’t have known if I wasn’t dedicated to keeping up with Mountain Dew news on my own time. It’s not like Mountain Dew hasn’t had shit going on. Where is my beverage? Is it thinking of me? ![]() I feel like a World War I widow awaiting a letter from the front. They confirmed that I signed up for the Dewsletter and then disappeared into the night. I haven’t received a single email in four months. I was promised exclusive offers, insider content, fresh news, and epic giveaways in what I assumed would be a weekly email blast from the over-caffeinated sherpas who harvest the Mountain Dew. Four months ago, I signed up for the Mountain Dew Dewsletter. The world of online junk food marketing is madness, so of course, I wanted to dive deeper into it. ![]() Now brands have to come up with a constant daily stream of themed content across at least four social media platforms, and it is rough.Īrby’s is just using its Twitter platform to bully people into screaming about meat at this point. Don Draper could get trashed all night and then go make one intense five minute speech about how Arby’s roast beef sandwiches taste like kicking your childhood bully’s ass and make seven million dollars. I’m always fascinated by the internet presence brands cultivate.
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